often times, being a woman feels like a performance that i must cater to and successfully embody, both unconsciously and consciously. have you seen my bathroom cupboard? have you seen my makeup bag? it is not sane nor normal to own the amount of makeup and beauty products that i have. yet the more "beautiful" one appears as a woman, the most she is rewarded socially and hierarchically. this is something i am acutely aware of in every facet of my interaction with the external world and with people.
i understand that i am an outlier in that i *do* put massive amounts of pressure on myself and internalize media images and patriarchal beauty standards to my own detriment. i am absolutely and fundamentally aware of it, but it's like i cannot stop. it has embedded into my identity. or at least what i perceive as my identity.
being painfully self aware is a blessing and a curse.
i have a tendency to isolate myself from people and remain staunchly private for many reasons. 1) i have paranoid and hypervigilant of the possible intentions of others and gossip, from personal experience. i have difficulty trusting people. 2) i don't like being perceived unless it is completely controlled and curated by *me* (e.g. my fashion taste) 3) oversharing feels like a farce and not true authentic connection but desparation to be understood and heard in an alienating society. 4) i would prefer people project and make assumptions about me rather than judge me for my true personality and polarizing opinions (e.g. antinatalism, anarchist thoughts, my ability to sense every inkling of misognyny or racism embedded in the most mundane daily interactions that people take for granted, my intense inner world due to my constant state of hypervigilance but not in a stressful way: it's my default state.)
i did not realize how much clout my job gives me out in public settings. i am a private person typically so i don't like telling people my work, but when i wear scrubs out in public, people treat me so much differently in a good way. this never occurred to me before because i had assumed my profession would not garner respect due to it being a female-dominated profession, which are vastly underappreciated/underpaid/or exploited. but in my area things are just different than the rest of the world...
it's ok to have grown up on 4chan if you're a girl (like me).
perpetually navigating the dichotomy between enjoying my solitude and craving more intimate relationships with people. i don't feel like anything is wrong with me but at the same time i can't figure out how to deeply connect with people and that fact leaves me feeling incomplete.
an important thing you must do in this life is to always nerd out unabashedly and have passions for things and talk about them vocariously.
my favorite poet is mina loy.
if gilles deleuze was a nurse, he would probably talk in a kind of philosophical shorthand that would confuse colleagues: “We must deterritorialize the wound care routine and reterritorialize it through a new assemblage of care”
there is a subtle habitualizing of cruelty when you cannot see beyond attachment to your own ideas of the world.
hating yourself, and being insecure about your looks as a woman is inherently misogynistic.
corporate life requires an ass licking mindset that i just simply have never had.
i have never seen a crumbl cookie that looks appetizing. those things look ai-generated.
endless yearning for an elegant and beautiful winter coat. my search to find the perfect winter trenchcoat led me to a rabbit hole of warm fabrics. i discovered the beauty of camel hair and angora rabbit fur. my dream is to own a 100% qiviut handknitted scarf.
i'm going to work on my dream journal again. i wish i kept track of my dreams more often. i have some truly vivid and symbolic dreams that i promise i'd write about and then never did. forever lost somewhere deep in my neurotransmitters. i used to be into dream analysis but i felt like my dreams became too complex to even dissect anymore, especially after my dad died in 2022. after my dad died i had nonstop dreams about him for 2 years, and they were always nightmares. everything is a symbol.
trying to figure out how to write a love poem without sounding cliche or overly-sentimental. i am a sentimental person. i write poems for myself but there is always a subconscious, invisible audience of voyers inside my head.
coding and web design is like art therapy for me
i didn't realize that spinelessness was also a sin. this helps me a lot.
no, you don't have autism. you have a social media addiction.
with the weather getting cold now, i'm craving fondue and hearty beefy soups like crazy.
coloured by the stars of the night sky the light of the moon gathers in the dreams of night.
proposing in public is social blackmail
sauté your mushrooms, kids. it truly does make all the difference!
gacha is basically socially permissible online gambling.